And after he bagged her, he bagged Marilyn Monroe.
Okay, that's Kennedy number five.
Anyone have something different?
Oh, good.
Go ahead, Bobby.
I have chosen the smartest
and most photogenic of all the presidents...
Mr. Martin Sheen.
President Sheen is a Nobel Prize
winner in economics,
yet he loves poetry.
And despite round- the-clock meetings,
death threats and MS, he still finds time
for playful banter with his senior staff.
Bobby, your assignment
was to research an actual president.
Martin Sheen is an actor.
Oh, yeah?
Tell that to the 50 million people
he helped with his poverty bill.
Hey, Steve-O, I'm going to drive
this golf cart with my butt.
Hey, my hummingbird feeder just got its first customer.
Bobby, come take a look.
Bobby?
Huh?
Oh, I've seen them.
Animal Planet did hummingbirds
in their "Wings of Fury" week.
But you don't even have to stand up.
Just cock your head a little bit.
Bobby?
Yeah, Johnny, I'm going to drive it into a wall.
What?
Ah, never mind.
Bobby, what are you
doing watching TV?
You have an oral report to redo.
Your son thought
Martin Sheen was a president.
No, I didn't.
But his character's based
on the real President Bartlett, right?
No.
See, this is exactly what happens
when you watch too much television.
Bobby, turn that off.
I'm freaking driving this over...
All the way off.
You can't keep coming home after school
and plopping down in front of the TV.
Mm-hmm. He's right.
It is not good for you or the couch.
Starting tomorrow, you're getting yourself
an extracurricular activity,
something to keep you busy
before your mother and I come home from work.
But, Dad...
No "buts."
Now go start that report.
But which president should I...
Ronald Reagan.
Hey, Bobby.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
I'm supposed to be in chess club,
but they kicked me out.
If they don't want you to double jump,
they shouldn't play it on a checkers board.
Sorry I can't stay and listen to you vent,
but our Quiz Bowl team keeps losing,
and now Coach Grandy is making us
do mind sprints after school.
How could you ever lose?
You're the smartest person I know.
It's those stupid pop culture questions.
How are we supposed to know what Out of Sight actor
got his start on The Facts of...
George Clooney. Everybody knows that.
Osmosis, mitosis, meiosis.
No, base ten!
Base ten! Idiot!
Hello, Connie.
Uh, I'm sorry, Bobby.
When you want change for the vending machine
you're going to have to start going to someone else.
No, Bobby wants to join the team.
Why would we want Booby Hill?
So the other teams feel sorry for us?
They already feel sorry for us
because you can't remember the atomic weight of lithium.
Bobby's going to be our secret weapon.
He's not a math guy, is he?
Because I'm the math guy, right?
Right?
No, Bobby's a pop culture expert.
Oh, really?
Ernie, ask him that one you didn't know.
You didn't know it either.
"What actor gave Peter Parker a new face in 2002?"
Tobey Maguire.
Is he right?
He's right.
Bravo, Bobby.
Welcome to the team.
Dawn, American Lit.
Just so you know, you should bring your own pen.
We have a thing about pens.
You guys hear that?
That's the sweet sound of Bobby not watching TV.
I made him join an after-school activity.
How do you know he's not watching TV
at someone else's house?
Or hiding in the bushes with one of those mini-TVs?
They keep making TVs smaller and smaller,
and bigger and bigger.
Soon the medium TV
is going to be a thing of the past.
Hey, Dad,
guess what?
I joined the academic team!
Academic team?
Is that a fancy way of saying
you need to go to study hall?
No, I'm the pop culture guy.
The what?
Come on. Test me.
Give me a name.
Michael... Douglas.
No, Michael Keaton!
Mr. Mom, Gung-Ho, Beetle juice with Winona Ryder,
Batman, Batman Returns,
and the place it all started...
Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.
Impressive. I love Mr. Rogers.
Wow, Hank.
How's it feel to be the father of a genius?
Bobby's a good kid, but he's no genius.
We have the report cards to prove it.
And since when is popular culture
considered "academic"?
It's serious business, Hank.
You can't be a respected university these days
without offering a major in commercial jingles
or the films of M. Night Shalamalaman.
Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout dem dang ol' Oberlin, man,
you gotta ol' Phi Beta Kappa on dem Muppets, yo.
Well, that's asinine.
What kind of job can you get with a degree in pop culture?
You can be a professor.
Of pop culture.
Wow, Bobby the Professor.
Hey, Connie, this is so cool!
Where should I sit?
I didn't know everybody got a buzzer.
Quiz Bowl is so cool!
I can't talk now, Bobby.
I'm having trouble with my German composers.
Pachelbel!
Hey, Jeremy,
you ready to kick some Denton brain?
Can't you see I'm trying to remember
the Quadratic Formula?
I mean equation.
Oh, crap, which is it?!
Sorry.
Now, this is Bobby's first match,
so which is more appropriate...
air horn or thunder sticks?
Because I have both.
What? Bobby on team?
Quiz Bowl for top of food chain,
not C-student plankton.
Welcome, wilkommen,
bienvenue.
Today's match features Denton versus Tom Landry.
Please test your buzzers.
Chemistry.
Negative 273 degrees Kelvin
is also known as what?
Wassanasong,
Tom Landry.
Absolute zero.
Correct.
Television.
Who of the following is not a Starfleet captain...
Picard, Janeway or Data.
Data! Correct.
But a warning,
please wait to be recognized by the Quizmaster.
Hill, Tom Landry.
Alvin, Simon and Theodore!
Correct.
And time expires.
Tom Landry.
Super. Just super.
With proper training,
Bobby could lead the team to the championship.
They could be *1.
Just think, if I hadn't sat him in front of the TV
to keep him from crying, we would not be here today.
Yep.
Four parts water, one part sugar.
Got any leftovers?
Hey, Dad,
we won!
You should've seen it.
We came out strong... math, spelling, geography.
Then we hit the wall...
two art histories and a physics.
Oh, no.
How did you ever recover, Professor?
The lightning round.
It was TV theme songs.
I cleaned house.
You know, I wanted Bobby to become
the kind of kid who did stuff after school,
but the stuff after school
is just becoming more like Bobby.
You must be very proud.
You were on fire yesterday, Bobby!
I can't believe you made that kid cry.
I'd cry, too, if I didn't know what movies
Denzel got his Oscars for.
Glory, Training Day.
Okay, people,
cheeks in the chairs.
We did great yesterday,
but we still made too many mistakes.
I'm not going to point fingers,
but people who should have a finger pointed at them
know who they are.
Chane, books on Copernicus.
Dawn, the complete works of Faulkner.
Connie, memorize the Goldberg Variations.
And Bobby, here is
People, Us and Entertainment Weekly.
Is this great or what?
Hey, did you guys know that...
Shh!
You better start reading or watching or whatever you do,
because we're counting on you.
Counting on me?
Nobody's ever counted on me before.
I won't let you down.
Shh!
Bobby, breakfast.
I am blanketing the pigs.
I can't right now. TRL is pop-up!
Oh, dang it.
I can't believe you're serving him
breakfast in bed.
Breakfast was the only motivation
he had to leave his room.
Hank, we are the parents of a gifted child now.
It is our responsibility to nurture him.
But the whole point was to get him out of the house.
If you were Einstein's father,
we would not have the Bomb.
Call our cable operator!
There's a new MTV channel.
I'm so glad you're on the team now, Bobby.
I really like winning.
Here he is now,
the brightest of all my shining stars.
I was just telling Principal Moss
about our team's winning streak.
To tell you the truth,
I thought we cut Quiz Bowl last year.
Guess we got rid of something else.
Well, the budget likes a winner,
so keep it up.
Oh, man.
Look, we all know
drama and band are hanging by a thread.
Quiz Bowl is all I have.
Bobby, I'm counting on you to lead us to victory.
I'm trying.
Remember, there's trying
and there's trying harder.
Try harder, Bobby.
See you in class.
I know this one. I know I know it.
Sine?
No, cosine.
Dang it! Dang it!
Quiet down! Next question:
"This actor picked Cameron Diaz over Julia Roberts
in My Best Friend's Wedding.
Come on, Coach.
Give me a hard one. Dylan McDermott.
No. Dermot Mulroney.
Oh... yeah, I always get those guys mixed up.
Someone needs a name change, am I right?
Let's take a break. Who has the Tums?
Hey, what's your problem?
I'm trying! I just goofed!
The Chane Train starts with Quiz Bowl
and ends at a Stanford frat
with all the ladies I can handle.
You're not gonna blow it for me.
You can't make mistakes, Bobby.
You just can't!
Bobby gets so dang many magazines.
Couldn't at least one of them
have a picture of a car or a fish on it?
Does sweeps start this week or next?
I don't know what that means.
Man! Quiz Bowl is getting tough.
Yeah, it's real hard sitting around watching TV.
I know!
They broke up?
I haven't even read the one where they got together!
Bobby Hill!
Come on down!
How much you pay for fabulous mini-fridge
stocked with Red Bull and Mountain Dew?
Nothing!
Free for you!
But... why?
Because you're the key to getting Chane
into the school of his choice: Stanford.
Connie choose Harvard. And you pave the way.
With new fridge, you never have to leave your room.
Everything on your shoulders!
McMaynerbury.
Ursa... Minor.
Correct.
McMaynerbury ties the game.
And time expires.
How delightful.
We have a tie-breaker.
The winner will face Durndle in the district finals.
The Grammys.
Who is Dana Owens better known as?"
Hill.
Tom Landry.
Five seconds.
Queen Latifah?
Correct.
Tom Landry.
When I directed this scene,
the sky wasn't sad enough.
Read about how we fixed it in post
in the companion book.
Oh! Companion book!
Your mother and I are headed
to the Mega Lo Mart.
It's the last day of Super Savings.
Wait! I'm coming with you!
I got to get this one book,
and Sim City 4,
and I think J. Io's new CD drops today.
Grab my shoes! I'll be in the car!
Meet us by the wood glue
in 20 minutes!
I never noticed these before.
I guess they're trying to make shopping fun.
It's working!
I'm Kelly Clarkson.
I won American Idol and my debut album went to number one.
One song on the album, I wrote with Christina Aguilera.
She was in the Mickey Mouse Club
with Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake.
Justin is a member of N'Sync.
They sing on the soundtrack for The Grinch,
starring Jim Carrey.
Jim Carrey was in a movie with Renee Zellweger,
who's worked with Catherine Zeta-Jones,
who's acted with John Cusack,
who has a house in Malibu near Pamela Anderson,
who dated Scott Baio,
who was on Happy Days with Ron Howard,
who directed Apollo 13, starring Tom Hanks,
who's married to Rita Wilson, who was in...
Oh...
What happened?
Bobby! Are you okay?
Follow the tip of my nose with your eyes.
Peggy, give him some air.
Now, Bobby, you just fainted.
How do you feel?
I don't know.
It was weird.
It was like my heart was on fast-forward,
but my brain was on pause,
then, nothing.
Well, he was running pretty fast,
and it's a quarter-mile to Electronics.
His body isn't used to that level of activity.
Actually, Mr. Hill, it sounds to me
like your son had a panic attack.
A panic attack?!
Uh, maybe we should take him to a doctor.
Sir, Mega Lo Mart trains us
to take care of all medical situations.
Attention, shoppers.
If there is a doctor in the store,
please report to the Mega Lo clinic.
Mr. And Mrs. Hill,
it looks like Bobby had a panic attack.
Mm-hmm.
Doctor, he's in middle school.
What does he have to panic about?
Well, if I had to choose between performing heart surgery
or going to the seventh-grade dance right now,
Well, scalpel, please.
So the boy's too tense?
Well, what do you recommend?
Icy Hot? The Ben Gay?
No, you can't just put ointment on this, Mr. Hill.
Teen stress is a very serious problem
that can lead to ulcers and many other health concerns.
Well, what should I do?
Should I give him a hug? Or does he need space?
Well, there's a book I can recommend...
Oh, thank God. There's a book.
Well, I just checked on Bobby.
He stopped muttering to himself.
You find anything in there?
It says here that what Bobby needs
is a lifestyle change.
Their words, my emphasis.
Now, first, we have to create a stress-free environment,
or "a safe zone."
If you need me to build something,
I've still got those old tree house designs.
Mm, no.
It involves things like scented candles, hot teas,
positive affirmation... Hank!
Go make Bobby feel good about himself.
Compliment him.
Okay.
Uh... for what?
Whatever! Tell him he has good hair.
What? He does!
So, uh...
your TV watching got you under the weather, did it?
Oh, yeah, I guess so.
Wait a second. What time is it?
Did you hear the weekly Top 40?
What was number one?
Did anything have a bullet?
Don't worry about that now, Bobby,
just get some rest.
But the countdown...
Nielsen ratings... super-size it.
Uh, your mother likes your hair.
Hair, directed by Milos Forman!
Oh, it's so dark with this thing on.
What are you doing?
Shh. It's okay, Bobby.
Everything is very safe.
We're going to take... Ow!
Oh, okay...
I just burned myself.
But you are very, very safe.
I got to get some ice... here.
Okay, Bobby,
we're going to take your mind on a journey.
You're lying on the beach
on a warm sunny day.
Your legs feel like spaghetti.
What kind of spaghetti?
Fettuccine? Angel Hair?
Calm down, Bobby.
How about some, uh... tea?
So how's the professor doing?
He's really got himself worked up,
I tell you what.
I just don't understand where it's coming from.
Well, it's tough being a kid these days, Hank.
All we had to worry about was Vietnam,
Charles Manson, swine flu.
Is it that bad now?
Heck, a hundred years ago,
kids were working in pork factories and coal mines.
You can't tell me that wasn't stressful.
Hank's right.
Back when Disneyland first started,
it was completely powered by orphan children
running on treadmills in underground tunnels.
And today, those kids are the New York Yankees.
Well, I better go flip over
his "calming sounds" tape.
Who wants to thumb wrestle?
All this rain is making me think of drowning.
Oh! This is pointless.
It's going to be okay, son.
We'll get you through this.
But I'm never going to relax.
I keep thinking about movies and music and Quiz Bowl
and if I screw up, nobody goes to college
and Chane never gets his trust fund.
I need to quit!
Whew!
I feel better already.
I quit.
I quit!
This is a miracle!
Nobody ever has to count on me again.
Hey! My stomach just unknotted!
Bobby, I don't think you should quit.
What?! But you said
this pop culture stuff was stupid.
Well, it is, but you made a commitment to your team,
and you should honor it.
But the stress, Dad!
What about the stress?
Well, you might not believe this, Bobby,
but I get stressed all the time.
You?! Yep.
But I don't give up.
I face my problems.
Stress isn't bad, Bobby.
Heck, if we weren't stressed about the Nazis taking over Europe,
we wouldn't have fought World War II.
What's bad is letting stress make your life miserable.
The big match is tomorrow.
I don't know if I can get into game shape by then.
You can handle this, Bobby.
And I'll help you.
Well, hey, there, Mr. Drysdale.
I love The Beverly Hillbillies.
I talked Jethro into staying to work for you.
Show him your cipherin', boy!
Naught times naught is naught.
Naught times one is naught.
Naught times two is naught.
Whoo-doggy!
That's what you get from a sixth-grade education!
You know, the guy who played Jed Clampett
also played Barnaby Jones,
the milk-drinking elderly private eye.
Wow! Cool!
And Jethro's dad,
Max Baer Sr., was a heavyweight boxing champ.
He fought Joe Louis.
Hey, Dad, why is Jethro dressed so funny?
He's trying to be a double-naught spy.
Look, he's putting on his lead spy hat.
Whoo-doggy!
Oh, Dad!
Let's take a break. Who has the Tums?